Story written by Nora Lee
 It
was Friday, the afternoon of Brendan's 5th Birthday. Nana and Grandpa came up
for the special event. A few neighbors were due to arrive in a few hours and we
were busy getting the last party preparations completed. I was having contractions
but no different than the weeks before. I was not due for another two weeks.  Brendan
was so excited about his special day! He was heavily into Ghostbuster toys at
the time and of course he had gotten a lot of them for his birthday. By now, the
neighbors children had arrived and they were busy running around exterminating
all the ghosts. Brendan was so happy and I was enjoying it even though the contractions
were getting stronger and more frequent. Finally, I called the doctors and he
told us to come to the hospital as it took us 45 minutes to get there. I don't
think it hit Brendan that he was soon going to have a brother or sister....what
a birthday gift! I remember saying goodbye to everyone there and watching Brendan
run up the stairs as he went to exterminate yet another ghost.
I was a very good girl, doing my breathing exercises as Robert drove. I was remembering
the first time I went to the hospital, it was about the same time of night and
of course we kept telling ourselves it was probably a false alarm. As we arrived,
a man in uniform came towards us with a wheelchair. It was hospital policy and
I felt really funny being pushed in the wheelchair. We signed in and went to the
room where I would remain for the labor, delivery and recovery.  Labor
progressed much as it did with my first pregnancy. Finally, at 2:08 on Saturday
morning, Ryan arrived. Everyone worked fast cleaning and testing him. No one said
anything. Before I knew it, everyone was out of the room except for the nurse
who gave him to me all wrapped up with that silly blue hat on his head. 
I looked at him and thought that something was not quite right. Ryan was waving
his hands around and I looked at his fingers and started to move the fingers apart
when I realized they were connected. The skin between the fingers had never separated.
I found out later that this is called syndactyly. He would require surgery to
separate the fingers. His toes were the same. I remember thinking....no matter...that
can be corrected. Ryan took to breastfeeding immediately. I looked at Robert and
I don't remember what or if I said anything to him. I then looked at the nurse
and asked if my baby had Down Syndrome. She looked up at me quickly but did not
say a word and walked out of the room. I then turned to Robert and said, "Yup...he
has Down Syndrome." I can't believe that I was so matter of fact about it
then. Robert never let on what he was thinking or feeling. I was planning to stay
up until they brought Ryan in again, but sleep finally won out. When I awoke several
hours later, that is when I cried. My defenses were down and I had not had time
to prepare myself for the feelings that engulfed me. The thought that kept running
through my head was...poor Brendan..I had promised him a playmate and now he won't
have one. I have no idea why I thought this would be the case. I
went to the nursery to see Ryan and there he was sleeping and holding his own.
I went to the nurses station to get information, but I was told they had none
until the doctor came in and that would not be for a few hours. No one would confirm
anything for me until the doctor examined Ryan. So I went back to my room and
waited for Ryan to be brought to me. I
didn't know what to think. I didn't feel sorry for myself nor did I ask "Why
Us?" Someone had come into the room and I looked up and saw a young man standing
there. He asked if I wanted a newspaper. I said no and slowly followed him to
the door. I peeked into the hall and watched him and a young girl push the newspaper
cart to another room. I wondered if the hospital staff did this on purpose..you
see they both had Down Syndrome. I stared at them awhile and watched how they
moved and talked. I tried not to be so obvious looking out at them. By this time,
I was back to my normal self...the wall had been properly put back in place and
I could deal with this in my own way.... My
friend Fig asked, "I wondered how you knew when you saw him that he had Down
Syndrome? Did you know kids with Down Syndrome? It's hard to tell on newborns
cause they all just look like babies unless they are really heavily marked and
Ryan doesn't look that Down Syndrome to me". Well, when I went to my first
prenatal checkup, the doctor told me about amniocentesis and because of my age
(35) he was recommending that the test be done. I told him I didn't like the odds
and that besides, I would not have a child with Down Syndrome. I didn't know any
other people with Down Syndrome nor had I seen any babies with Down Syndrome but
when I looked down at Ryan, those words echoed in my head. That is how I knew. I
have to say, had I taken the test and known ahead of time, I really don't know
for sure what I would have done. I do know this....it took me five years to have
another child and we were thrilled. I use to think I was neutral in my thinking
about abortion and what people chose to do was their decision. But as the time
passed, I would get upset if I heard a story about someone who abandoned or abused
their child. Here I was trying and praying so hard to have another child and there
was someone else giving it up or worse...it just didn't make sense to me. This
was my frame of mind then and it has not changed. Robert
was worried about me....he talked to the nurses and asked them to check in on
me and try to get me to talk. He knew I had a habit of holding things in not revealing
how I felt. I assured the nurses that everything was fine with me. Robert's brother,
Gerry was concerned that I would give up Ryan. He figured that since I had a similar
background (my parents gave me up) then history might repeat itself. That thought
never entered my mind...how could Gerry even think this? I had Ryan with me at
every opportunity. If he was not with me, I was looking at him through the nursery
window.  Robert
was wonderful. He is so unlike me. He wears his heart on his sleeve and you can
always see what he feels. Thank God! We have learned to balance each other. When
I have a weak moment, he is strong and when he has his moment, I am strong. During
this time, he had to be the one to talk to everyone about Ryan. I could not do
that...I had to keep myself from feeling too much at once....that is how I deal
with things...I let out just as much as I can handle! That wall in front of me
was not that strong...  I
did call my friend Naomi, who would be Ryan's Godmother, and told her about him.
She dropped everything and drove three hours with her family so that she could
be with Ryan. She said it was important that she bond with Ryan and be there for
me. They left when it was dark to make the three hour trip back home. Well, I think I'll take another break....I promise, this story will continue :-) |